Look at Me! I’m the Captain Now

On Wednesday, when it appeared that Mitch “Turtleneck” McConnell was on the verge of no longer being the Senate majority leader, Chuck Schumer reportedly grabbed the Kentucky senator by his flabby neck skin and told him, “Look at me! I’m the captain now.”

Schumer then asked McConnell “Why did the turtle cross the road?” When a puzzled McConnell asked, “Why,” Schumer said, “Bitch, I don’t know. Do you think I have time to worry about shit like that while I’m out here stylin’ on em?”

Schumer then walked away throwing a pink feather boa over his shoulder, singing “Body-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody.”

While the Georgia Senate race between Raphael Warnock and Kelly Loeffler, the worst WNBA owner in history, has been called–with America on the right side this time (Warnock)–the race between Democrat Jon Ossoff and incumbent Republican David Perdue is still too close to call. But that didn’t stop Democratic Senate Minority Leader Schumer from declaring himself Senate “majority leader” and noting that Democrats have regained control of the Senate.

“It feels like a brand new day. For the first time in six years, Democrats will operate a majority in the United States Senate — and that will be very good for the American people,” Schumer said in a statement released Wednesday morning, the Hill reports.

Schumer then promised America “help is on the way.”

“America is experiencing one of the greatest crises we have ever faced, and the Senate Democratic Majority is committed to delivering the bold change and help Americans need and demand. Senate Democrats know America is hurting,” he said.

Schumer also thanked “everyone in Georgia and across the country who volunteered their time, donated what they could, and worked so hard to elect new leadership in Washington.”

He added that he planned to work closely with the incoming administration.

“As majority leader, President-elect Biden and Vice President-elect Harris will have a partner who is ready, willing and able to help achieve a forward-looking agenda and deliver help and bold change to the American people,” he said.

He then noted that he was off to get some fabulous frugal looks from Fashion Nova because a bad bitch has to look the part.